The Most Impetuous Proposal in Existence
by javlatua
Summary: You know your boyfriend's an asshole when he doesn't even build up to the moment and consequently gives you a heart attack. (or, dan doesn't know how to propose and phil chokes on ice cream)


**Disclaimer: In no way do I own Dan Howell, Phil Lester, any other depicted real life person, or any aspect of their personal lives. Nor am I saying that any of the feeling/words/actions/happenings reciprocated by Dan and Phil or any other depicted real life person in this piece is or would ever be true. This is a work of absolute fiction that sprouted from the depths of my immature mind and is nothing else. No slander or libel intended.**

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"Oh God, it's so cold," Phil shivers, rubbing the gooseflesh on his arm as hard as he can. But the little bumps don't vanish, taunting him and spreading frost throughout his body as another gust of wind blows over. He frowns and suddenly itches his knee. "And I think I got a mosquito bite,"

"Glad you liked the place," Dan says sarcastically from the ground. Phil can hear him roll his eyes.

He shakes his head adamantly, hoping he didn't hurt Dan's feelings. "No! No, I love the place. It's beautiful. Also they sell good ice cream. It's just, I think I'm freezing over."

"Don't even complain, Phil, I told you it was windy. I told you to bring a hoodie or something, but you were all like, 'nahh it's summer it'll be okay.' So you can't even complain,"

"I forgot that beaches get cold at night!" Phil moans.

"Oh my God, Phil," Dan laughs. He sits up, scoots closer to Phil and shrugs off his hoodie so he and Phil can both snuggle under the light fabric and leech off each other's body warmth. "You're not even cold," Dan murmurs. "Your body's so warm,"

"I feel cold," Phil rubs his arm against Dan's and tangles their legs around each other's. As warm as Phil might be, Dan practically emanates warmth; he's like a space heater and Phil needs more of it. So he bunches up into Dan and forces Dan's arm to wrap around him. They both wiggle around to obtain the most comfortable position, and finally settle in silence, the wind brushing over their bodies a tad less harshly.

Phil shifts over a little bit to reach for his temporarily forgotten fudge bar and unwraps it, thankful that it's only slightly melted and not going to exude all over the sand in a sticky chocolate-flavoured mess.

Ice cream in hand and snuggled up to Dan, studying the horizon ahead, Phil is at ease for the first time in quite a long time. It seems as if all the exacting stress of YouTube and the radio show and the fans and payments and life in general that kept piling upon his back, bringing him down, are being slowly removed by the comfortable silence, and he feels less like Quasimodo and more like Esmeralda. It's liberating and relaxing and satisfying and freezing but mostly Phil feels happy and that's all that matters to him right now.

As he contentedly stares at the rolling waves that start to foam a few feet away from them and then swiftly retreat, as if intimidated, Phil begins to eat his ice cream. He hadn't been lying; the ice cream from the little 24-hour cart near the beach walkway is amazing and this is his third chocolate fudge bar of the night. That probably won't sit too well with his anti-dairy stomach, but it tastes so good Phil doesn't rightly care. He's successfully licked the top of the ice cream into a point when Dan nudges him gratingly with his elbow to get his attention. Mouth still full of fudge, Phil nods in Dan's direction. "Mmh?"

Dan looks apprehensive, scared almost, as he wrings his fingers together. "Okay, um…Phil, I—no,"

Phil tilts his head, wondering what Dan is being so flustered about. He mmphhs, willing for Dan to continue.

"Alright, well, you know—I mean. Phil, I'm really—agh, why is this so hard. Jesus, I'm embarrassing myself now, I mean…"

Dan is bickering with himself. Phil holds back a laugh as he licks the ice cream in his mouth.

"You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna do it," Dan holds up a finger as he rummages through his pocket and takes out a cell phone-sized box. Phil barely has time to see it clearly before Dan abruptly fishes a ring out of the box, holds it out to him, and blurts, "Marry me?"

Phil consequently chokes.

In his shock, the ice cream stick scrapes the back of his throat and Phil gags, the melty dessert dripping down his glottis. Dan belatedly freaks out and stumbles over to hit him on the back, dropping the box and ring. Phil is operational enough to take the stick out himself, but Dan gives him a probably unnecessary blow to the lower back and a mixture of chocolate and phlegm erupts out of his mouth and onto the littered sand.

Phil spits and swallows and coughs as he arches his back from the dull throbbing that Dan's smack gave him.

"Sorry! I'm sorry! Jesus Christ, Phil, are you okay?" Dan is frantically apologising, looking honestly terrified even though Phil is okay now. "Oh my God, I am so sorry, holy shit Phil this is all my fault, I–"

"I'm okay,"

"Are you sure? Do I need to call the hospital or something? Is there wood in your throat?" Dan frets.

"No, there is no wood in my throat. I feel fine. Honestly." Phil reassures, standing up straight and feebly rubbing the small of his back. "But, wait, did you just…?" Phil feels dizzy. Nothing has happened to his brain; every memory is ingrained there, but it's fuzzy, like he didn't actually experience it. Like he didn't believe that he actually experienced it.

"Oh! Right," Dan snatches the box and ring from the ground, brushing granules of sand off of it. "Here. I, uh, asked you to marry me?" He tries to repeat it casually, but Phil can sense the uncertainty leaking out.

However, Phil is still kind of shell-shocked, and he keeps blinking and opening and closing his mouth because did Dan just ask Phil to marry him? It happened so suddenly it feels illusory, yet Phil finds himself subconsciously nodding anyway.

"Yeah?" Dan asks, a grin breaking unto his face.

"Y-yeah," Phil confirms, his head clearing.

It's weird; he feels happy, but it's foreign. He'd never expected to be proposed to like this. It is still slightly unreal, but the prospect has set in, and Phil knows for sure that he wants this. He wants to get married to Dan and adopt two children with him and celebrate anniversaries with him and laugh and cry and hold hands and spend time alongside Dan until he lies on his deathbed. They've been together for nine years, and each year has been a roller coaster. Phil wants to go on more roller coasters with Dan, for the rest of his existence. Marriage may just be a piece of paper, but he loves Dan, and if a piece of paper is what it takes to convey that love, so be it.

Suddenly Phil is excited and terrified and apprehensive and thrilled all at once. This raw bunt of emotions is quickly subdued, however, when Dan grabs his hand.

"It's, uh, opal," Dan says, blushing, sliding the ring onto Phil's finger. He looks like the shy, flustered eighteen year old Phil met ten years ago, and it's the cutest thing in the world. Phil looks down at the ring. It's a rainbow of iridescent colors shining over a glossy surface, and engraved in the middle of the stone are tiny cat whiskers. A smile creeps up onto his face.

"I thought I'd go for, like, original cat whiskers, like a roundabout to when we met, and oh God that's so stupid why did I do that—"

"No, I think it's cute," Phil grins, but Dan just keeps his head in his hands and groans. "Although, that was the most terrible proposal I've ever experienced in my life," Phil admits as he fingers the ring subtly, out of Dan's initial line of sight. "I mean, besides the fact that I choked, you didn't even give a long conventional speech about how much you loved me or say that I'm the sunshine in your sky or at least that you want to spend the rest of your life with me,"

"'The sunshine in my sky?' Don't make me vomit on the ring, that thing cost me like seven hundred pounds, plus an extra sixty for customising," Dan says drily, lifting his head. "Also I think it's already pretty evident that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, as I just proposed to you,"

Phil scoffs. "I dunno, I imagined something, well, romantic and not possibly death-inducing,"

"I can take it right back if it wasn't romantic enough for you,"

"No!" Phil says quickly. "No, I think I'll keep it,"

Dan laughs. "I wouldn't have taken it away anyway. Especially if you'd already said yes,"

Phil smiles softly, and leans into him. "You know I'd say nothing but yes,"

"I was kinda unsure and nervous, really, but yeah, that was pretty stupid of me," Dan flashes him a shark-toothed grin. "Like you would ever refuse me, even if I just proposed to you in the worst way humanly possible. And almost killed you,"

Phil scowls at him, but internally can't deny the fact. Once again, he gets too close to Dan and entwines their limbs in a strangely comfortable way, and once again, he feels relaxed and lighthearted.

"I'm happy," he announces.

"Me too," Dan replies, squeezing his hand.

Phil can't keep his twitching fingers off the smooth surface of the opal.

"Hey, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you really only spend seven hundred? That's pretty cheap for an engagement ring, you know. I mean, some people pay over three thousand. You can't be a cheapskate for your future husband,"

"Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm actually divorcing you,"

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 **[A/N]: back with another phanfic! hopefully better this time lol**

 **idk this seems slightly ooc but it was so fun to write so idc**

 **review pls?**

 **~giraffe**


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